Enduring

Journal Entry March 15, 2018
"I was feeling pretty down and discouraged tonight. Kind of like everyone is living their lives without me and seem to be okay with that. But God."

In the middle of our waiting on results from the doctor, my little Addison turned 8 and Ethan got his driver's license. The timing of his license was perfect, because by this time I wasn't able to drive him to work or really anywhere. He began to step in and really help me with the day to day tasks. A few days later my sweet church family began a meal train that was truly a life saver for us.

Around the middle of March my vision started blurring and it became more of a challenge to write or read for any length of time. I was working hard to get the kids through school each day and do my computer work. However, on Friday March 23, we got great news!! There was no basilar invagination found on my CT scan and the doctor would discuss surgery the following week.

"Surgery is scheduled for April 13. I am somewhere between relieved and freaking out." Journal entry from March 28, 2018.

As I read through my journal of the days leading up to surgery, I am reminded of the roller coaster of emotions I experienced as I prepared for surgery. We researched exactly what the surgeon was going to do (there are a couple options for decompression), I made lists of important things, I even wrote my children letters for the "worse case scenario." It was a long three weeks.

The night before surgery Jason and I were both very nervous and a little unsettled. We received a phone call after dinner that night and a dear man of God felt led to pray with us over the phone. During that call, God spoke peace to our hearts and we went in to surgery the next morning with sweet peace.

Most of you know the outcome of the surgery, so I don't suppose I need to write about all that. My last journal entry was April 12th and I didn't write again until May 3rd. The first weeks after surgery were indescribable and at times unbearable, but God brought me through. 

I am about 10 weeks post op, and still awake each day with pain and discomfort but have been able to resume all my normal activities. I am forever changed, I believe this diagnosis and surgery has changed me at my core. I will look at life as "before brain surgery" and "after brain surgery." The things that were so important before are fading and I am learning to look at people and things differently. Life is fragile and short. My prayer is to live each day to glorify God and fulfill his purpose for my life.

"My journey is toward his heart (the Lord), not toward the acceptance of others. I dress and speak for him."
Cynthia Heald - Journey to the heart of God