Walking in the Shadows

Journal Entry from February 23, 2018  "It has been 2 weeks of daily dizziness. Last night for a few minutes I forgot I was sick. I think it was the first time I was able to do that." If I didn't know better, I would have said the MRI triggered a whole host of symptoms. By February 18th, I was losing whole days due to headaches, dizziness and neck pain. I was trying to make the most of a good day, because for every good day I seemed to have three bad ones. I received an email from the neurosurgeons office and my consultation was scheduled for March 13. It was the LONGEST month of my life. Each week seemed to bring new symptoms and escalation of current ones. February 20th was the first day I experienced tingling in my hand that lasted until surgery on April 13. During these days of suffering, we saw much of the Lord's kindness. Jason and I both were unsure of what Chiari Malformation was really like and the Lord allowed Jason to cross paths with someone who...

February 7, 2018 Journal Entry "Emotions are a troubling thing sometimes. They can change with the wind and cause spirits to be low. I sensed a change in my emotions last night and awake this morning with a sense of foreboding" The day before my birthday and MRI marked 2 years since my Papa Howard went home to be with the Lord. I thought of him much that day. How had 2 years passed so fast? Perhaps that is why I woke with a sense of foreboding, I don't know.  I've heard people say they know when something is wrong, and have often wondered at the authenticity of that, until now. Jason met me at the imaging center, I felt I needed his confidence. The MRI test itself wasn't frightening, it's loud and cramped but not fearful for me. But something was amiss in my spirit and I needed Jason's strong presence with me.  An hour and a half later I was through and relieved, yet still had the nagging feeling something was off. The technician indicated I w...

January 21, 2018 Journal Entry: "I want to really learn how to walk in the path the Lord lies before me, even if it is an uncomfortable path." I wrote the above statement in my journal after my first bout with dizziness. I woke up one Friday a little dizzy and nauseous and by Saturday morning I could only sit in the chair and keep my eyes closed. I couldn't read, watch TV, look around or even eat much. It was like a constant roller coaster! I survived the weekend and knew I needed to call a doctor. Dizziness like that was not normal. I made an appointment with my primary care physician and was told I most likely had Meniere’s disease. I had all the symptoms, and was familiar with the disease as I watched my Dad lose much of his hearing due to the disease. The primary care physician referred me to an ENT and so I went home with new medicine and a promise of a call from the ENT soon. It wasn't long before I had another dizzy spell and began to ...

The last two years are a bit of a blur, I have snippets of memories many of them painful. Since my last blog post two years ago, I have lost some things and gained some things. I have lost loved ones and friendships, I have lost trust and confidence in humans, and I have lost the fairy tale dreams of my youth. But for all that I have lost, I have gained much. So this year, 2018, I decided was going to be a GREAT year!  At the beginning of each year I try to collect my thoughts and pray and see what the Lord may have me do or work on for the year. Last year, the phrase "Be Real" was so big in my heart. I tried very hard to "be real" and found that being real isn't all it's cracked up to be. Anyway, I digress. This year the word was simply "Hope." Oh how I needed that word. After a period of hope deferred my heart longed for hope fulfilled. As a wife to a preacher when the Lord gave me the word "Hope" I thought for sure it was ...