Walking in the Shadows

Lately the nudge to write has grown but I have fought it because I'm not sure what to write. There are things rattling around internally I just don't know which ones to write about. This blog is an outlet for me in so many ways yet I let fear grip me and I stay silent. Fear is a real enemy. Fear can keep us from living, really living.  A situation came up recently where someone I care about said something that hurt. I know it wasn't meant to hurt, but it hurt anyway. Fear kept me silent. Fear kept me from telling this person that their words hurt. Fear brought anxiety. Fear threatened to hurt a strong relationship. I would love to say I eventually confronted this person and told them my heart, but fear won and I have yet to speak the words. Fear has kept me from fighting the insurance company so that I can get the decompression surgery I need. I am afraid of another surgery. Ach, there it is, the truth. I'd rather live in pain then go through another decompression. Fear

  When I was growing up my legs hurt just about all the time. Doctors said it was growing pains and I would eventually outgrow it. Now I know it was early symptoms of Chiari Malformation, but at the time it was just a pain I learned to endure. I can remember my Mom warming gallon jugs to put on my legs so I could sleep, the gallon jugs came after she squeezed my legs until I'm sure her hands were so tired. These "growing pains" made me stronger and actually prepared me for the pain I would endure as an adult. Now, I am learning about growing pains that are not physical! Ach, these growing pains are pretty tough. It is painful to learn how to embrace life's disappointments and continue on in the joy of the Lord. It is painful to learn how to love on my boys who look and act more like men. How do I let my college man spread his wings and fly when all I want to do is make sure there is enough cushion were he to fall. It is painful to help my girl pack up her toys because

Are you disappointed? I have had that question running around in my mind for a couple of weeks now. Knowing that it would be a title to a blog post but not knowing how it would all come together. There is a gospel song lyric that says "Are you disappointed, are you desperate for help?" The song goes on to remind us that this is not our home, but one day we will be home and all the disappointments will be gone.  2020 was obviously a disappointment to many people, it was a tough year. I don't know of anyone who's life wasn't disrupted because of Covid and I know some who's life will never be the same because of it. And, no doubt many of us brought that disappointment into 2021.  In less than 24 hours I was supposed to be on a plane headed to Colorado and hopefully some answers about my Chiari. I have been holding my breath about this trip since we began to plan it. Afraid to learn all the ins and outs of Chiari and Craniocervical Instability, but also secretly h