Walking in the Shadows

Lately the nudge to write has grown but I have fought it because I'm not sure what to write. There are things rattling around internally I just don't know which ones to write about. This blog is an outlet for me in so many ways yet I let fear grip me and I stay silent. Fear is a real enemy. Fear can keep us from living, really living.  A situation came up recently where someone I care about said something that hurt. I know it wasn't meant to hurt, but it hurt anyway. Fear kept me silent. Fear kept me from telling this person that their words hurt. Fear brought anxiety. Fear threatened to hurt a strong relationship. I would love to say I eventually confronted this person and told them my heart, but fear won and I have yet to speak the words. Fear has kept me from fighting the insurance company so that I can get the decompression surgery I need. I am afraid of another surgery. Ach, there it is, the truth. I'd rather live in pain then go through another decompression. Fear...

  When I was growing up my legs hurt just about all the time. Doctors said it was growing pains and I would eventually outgrow it. Now I know it was early symptoms of Chiari Malformation, but at the time it was just a pain I learned to endure. I can remember my Mom warming gallon jugs to put on my legs so I could sleep, the gallon jugs came after she squeezed my legs until I'm sure her hands were so tired. These "growing pains" made me stronger and actually prepared me for the pain I would endure as an adult. Now, I am learning about growing pains that are not physical! Ach, these growing pains are pretty tough. It is painful to learn how to embrace life's disappointments and continue on in the joy of the Lord. It is painful to learn how to love on my boys who look and act more like men. How do I let my college man spread his wings and fly when all I want to do is make sure there is enough cushion were he to fall. It is painful to help my girl pack up her toys because...

Are you disappointed? I have had that question running around in my mind for a couple of weeks now. Knowing that it would be a title to a blog post but not knowing how it would all come together. There is a gospel song lyric that says "Are you disappointed, are you desperate for help?" The song goes on to remind us that this is not our home, but one day we will be home and all the disappointments will be gone.  2020 was obviously a disappointment to many people, it was a tough year. I don't know of anyone who's life wasn't disrupted because of Covid and I know some who's life will never be the same because of it. And, no doubt many of us brought that disappointment into 2021.  In less than 24 hours I was supposed to be on a plane headed to Colorado and hopefully some answers about my Chiari. I have been holding my breath about this trip since we began to plan it. Afraid to learn all the ins and outs of Chiari and Craniocervical Instability, but also secretly h...

  The last couple of weeks have been a struggle, not just for me personally, but for us all. I will not get political because that is not the purpose of this blog, but I think we can all agree that our nation as a whole is divided and a divided nation will fall. So here we are looking for hope, for direction, for answers and for truth. I just finished a novel that was set in Poland during World War II and found myself fearful of what I was reading and wondering if America could ever go that far. The answer is yes. Any nation that disobeys God can go that far.  I have struggled physically the last couple of weeks too, so both my body and my mind have been unsettled and in pain. Where do I turn when I feel hopeless? Just recently I received a report from one doctor that contradicted what another doctor told me, who do I believe? How can I hope for help physically if I can't trust the information coming to me? Where do I turn? Do I continue to seek further opinions from more doct...

"There is no telling how much power God can put into man. When divine strength comes, human weakness is no more a hindrance." Charles H Spurgeon  I felt it coming for days. What started as an increase in pain culminated into what I call a Chiari Storm (someone who shares Chiari referred to her flare ups as a Chiari Storm and I have used the terminology since).  It just so happened this particular Chiari Storm coincided with an actual storm, a busy hurricane season has made the weather a real issue with my symptoms. Some say that changes in the barometric pressure bring with it increased pain. I don't know the science behind all of that but can say it has proved true in my journey with Chiari. Conquer Chiari explains it like this "As the barometric pressure lowers, tissues in the body may enlarge. As the tissues enlarge, they put more weight on nerves that control pain signals."  This particular storm came on the heels of Jason and I celebrating our 21st wedding...

  Somehow it has been two years since I put my thoughts on this blog. Quite a few things have changed in the last couple of years, but that is true for all of us isn't it? 2020 has been one for the books. If you haven't personally experienced Covid-19 I am sure you know of someone who has. And even if you've avoided the actual virus, Covid has still altered your year and perhaps even your life. We too have experienced the effects of the virus both from a sickness view and daily life view (our year has been altered too). But I'm not writing today because of Covid-19. I'm writing because the nudge to write has been stirring in my heart for months. The nudge is no longer a nudge, it is more like a shove. When I began this blog it was to chronical how the Lord would take care of me and my little family when I walked away from public work. The Lord has absolutely done that. I now have a boy in college, one in high school and a girl in 5th grade. They are all well fed and...

Journal Entry March 15, 2018 "I was feeling pretty down and discouraged tonight. Kind of like everyone is living their lives without me and seem to be okay with that. But God." In the middle of our waiting on results from the doctor, my little Addison turned 8 and Ethan got his driver's license. The timing of his license was perfect, because by this time I wasn't able to drive him to work or really anywhere. He began to step in and really help me with the day to day tasks. A few days later my sweet church family began a meal train that was truly a life saver for us. Around the middle of March my vision started blurring and it became more of a challenge to write or read for any length of time. I was working hard to get the kids through school each day and do my computer work. However, on Friday March 23, we got great news!! There was no basilar invagination found on my CT scan and the doctor would discuss surgery the following week. "Surgery is sched...

Journal Entry from February 23, 2018  "It has been 2 weeks of daily dizziness. Last night for a few minutes I forgot I was sick. I think it was the first time I was able to do that." If I didn't know better, I would have said the MRI triggered a whole host of symptoms. By February 18th, I was losing whole days due to headaches, dizziness and neck pain. I was trying to make the most of a good day, because for every good day I seemed to have three bad ones. I received an email from the neurosurgeons office and my consultation was scheduled for March 13. It was the LONGEST month of my life. Each week seemed to bring new symptoms and escalation of current ones. February 20th was the first day I experienced tingling in my hand that lasted until surgery on April 13. During these days of suffering, we saw much of the Lord's kindness. Jason and I both were unsure of what Chiari Malformation was really like and the Lord allowed Jason to cross paths with someone who...

February 7, 2018 Journal Entry "Emotions are a troubling thing sometimes. They can change with the wind and cause spirits to be low. I sensed a change in my emotions last night and awake this morning with a sense of foreboding" The day before my birthday and MRI marked 2 years since my Papa Howard went home to be with the Lord. I thought of him much that day. How had 2 years passed so fast? Perhaps that is why I woke with a sense of foreboding, I don't know.  I've heard people say they know when something is wrong, and have often wondered at the authenticity of that, until now. Jason met me at the imaging center, I felt I needed his confidence. The MRI test itself wasn't frightening, it's loud and cramped but not fearful for me. But something was amiss in my spirit and I needed Jason's strong presence with me.  An hour and a half later I was through and relieved, yet still had the nagging feeling something was off. The technician indicated I w...

January 21, 2018 Journal Entry: "I want to really learn how to walk in the path the Lord lies before me, even if it is an uncomfortable path." I wrote the above statement in my journal after my first bout with dizziness. I woke up one Friday a little dizzy and nauseous and by Saturday morning I could only sit in the chair and keep my eyes closed. I couldn't read, watch TV, look around or even eat much. It was like a constant roller coaster! I survived the weekend and knew I needed to call a doctor. Dizziness like that was not normal. I made an appointment with my primary care physician and was told I most likely had Meniere’s disease. I had all the symptoms, and was familiar with the disease as I watched my Dad lose much of his hearing due to the disease. The primary care physician referred me to an ENT and so I went home with new medicine and a promise of a call from the ENT soon. It wasn't long before I had another dizzy spell and began to ...

The last two years are a bit of a blur, I have snippets of memories many of them painful. Since my last blog post two years ago, I have lost some things and gained some things. I have lost loved ones and friendships, I have lost trust and confidence in humans, and I have lost the fairy tale dreams of my youth. But for all that I have lost, I have gained much. So this year, 2018, I decided was going to be a GREAT year!  At the beginning of each year I try to collect my thoughts and pray and see what the Lord may have me do or work on for the year. Last year, the phrase "Be Real" was so big in my heart. I tried very hard to "be real" and found that being real isn't all it's cracked up to be. Anyway, I digress. This year the word was simply "Hope." Oh how I needed that word. After a period of hope deferred my heart longed for hope fulfilled. As a wife to a preacher when the Lord gave me the word "Hope" I thought for sure it was ...